A Weird Day

For many years I documented my own personal journey with disordered eating and body-image challenges. In no particular order, these entries offer a glimpse into my story, pulled right from my personal journals and diaries. These posts are not screened for potentially triggering language and are retyped as they were originally written. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder please read at your own discretion, and reach out for support when you need it.

Sometimes I think I'm manic depressive. Like, I'm not... But sometimes it feels like I am. And sometimes I think maybe that's normal. Maybe we're all like that. But we just don't talk about it. We pretend like we're all good.

Seriously though. Manic depressive. Like I have these slumps where all things feel all kinds of shitty. And then I have days like today where all things feel possible. I'm tired, but wired. I'm always always tired. But today I was WIRED. Like so much weird energy from some weird un-namable place inside me. I wanted to tackle everything today. I was all over the place. And it sort of felt good. But I also know that as humans we are actually way more productive when we're focused.

I'm not sure where this weird alien energy comes from. Or why it comes. Or what it's for. But I felt unstoppable today. Like I could shout and speak with no fear. And I really didn't do or say much... But I did speak. It's almost like this energy is offering a taste of the water. A little taste of what life could feel like with NO FEAR. I mean the fear is there... So maybe it's what life could feel like if I was embracing fear and doing shit anyway. It feels kind of glorious.

I'm also so fucking terrified. Of what? I'm not even really sure. But fucking terrified. Like this sort of anxiety meets fear meets excitement meets unsettled sort of feeling. I know it's good to keep pushing myself, but the fear is so REAL. So visceral. So vibrant. The kind of fear that can force you into dark holes. The kind of fear that makes loneliness and isolation look sort of warm and cozy.

This is life. I know that. Fuck if I know that. I want so badly to show up in it. Like really show up. And I'm sort of here. Like half here. Ok maybe like 1/16th here. Little pieces of me are showing up. Fragments. And I'm still learning how to put the pieces together. But I do think the final puzzle is going to be kind of cool. Intricate. And colorful. And surely beautiful. I can hang it on my wall. Put it in a frame. Assign meaning to it. That will be a good day.

So this mania... It will fade. It always does. But I feel like I kind of sort of embraced today. And that felt good. I'm still feeling a bit wired. Frantic. Like some kind of over-caffeinated little gremlin. And I'm glad I went for it. Rode it out. It's time to sleep now and that's probably gonna be hard. But it's all good. IT'S ALL GOOD.