Self-Care Blocks

For many years I documented my own personal journey with disordered eating and body-image challenges. In no particular order, these entries offer a glimpse into my story, pulled right from my personal journals and diaries. These posts are not screened for potentially triggering language and are retyped as they were originally written. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder please read at your own discretion, and reach out for support when you need it.

Something really powerful is still blocking me. Something is standing in the way of really basic and consistent self-care. There's a fear. Something that rises up from within, whenever I even consider moving in the direction of taking better care of myself.

I bought these powdered smoothie products. One green, one red. There's also a yellow turmericky one that I drink at night. For some reason, that one isn't much of a problem. But these other two... The green and the red. They're supposed to be drunk up during the day. Morning and afternoon. And something STUPID is blocking me from drinking them.

Ok, maybe not stupid. Maybe well-meaning. But definitely misguided. I took a few supplements just now, and noticed a random thought pop into my head... "maybe you should make a green drink." And IMMEDIATELY, something blocked me. Like, nope. That is definitely not an option. Taking care of yourself is not an option.

I understand some of what's going on here. I have a protector or manager, a part of self, that keeps me from even trying since I've "failed" so many times before. This protector is like, "hey, remember all those times you tried to start a new plan and failed? That sucked. So just don't even try. I don't want you to have to feel let down again."

But is that it? Is that all that's blocking me? Fear of the pain of being inconsistent yet again? But even if that's all it is, that's a weak reason to stop trying. That would mean that the fear of failing to take care of myself consistently is so strong that I'm just not going to try and take care of myself at all. Which would mean that in this very moment of my life I am already living my worst fear.

Part of me thinks there's more to it than this. Why else would part of me be so strongly blocking me from what would ultimately lead to a healthier life? It's definitely some kind of powerful underlying subconscious limiting belief. But of what?

I do think there's a powerful part of self that just feels so defeated. The wounded part is just hurting from the pain of it never being enough. The wounded part is sick of feeling not good enough and sick of feeling let down by all these attempts at self-care. So it's just too exhausting to keep doing things that I don't believe I'll stick with anyway. Why have a green drink if tomorrow you're just not going to have another one.

I know on a deep level that these are the patterns that have to change. That I have to stay persistent and proactive about taking care of myself in each moment. There is no tomorrow. There is no plan. There's only self-care today. And perhaps through that effort I will continue to get to know the other parts that hold me back from my potential.

Why are we so afraid?