Bracing Against the Hypocrisy
For many years I documented my own personal journey with disordered eating and body-image challenges. In no particular order, these entries offer a glimpse into my story, pulled right from my personal journals and diaries. These posts are not screened for potentially triggering language and are retyped as they were originally written. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder please read at your own discretion, and reach out for support when you need it.
I'm feeling on top of the world this week. I know these weeks. They creep in unexpectedly and they feed me lies about how great the rest of my life is going to be. I know the truth. I know that this feeling doesn't last. But I'm riding the high right now. And I feel like a hypocrite.
I’m studying one thing and I feel another thing and I know it's best to go easy on ourselves, but I also just feel like a hypocrite. Because the last week has felt amazing for all the wrong reasons. I was flipping through a diet cookbook and reading about how to skip breakfast, and eat light for lunch, and then eat whatever you want for dinner. And I sort of just fell into doing it and it sort of feels awesome. And it feels shitty that it feels awesome. Because it goes against everything I’ve learned and everything I do and everything I feel.
But I haven't had cravings and my food life has felt GOOD. And I don't know if it's because I'm just not eating to the point of sickening fullness or if I'm holding on to these bullshit futuristic thoughts about finally being over this. I'm starting a cleanse next week and I'm fucking thrilled about it. And that too makes me feel like a hypocrite.
I'm struggling to find balance in my head because I know what works. I know it saved my life. And I see it saving the lives of other people. And all the while I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile the draw to cleansing inside a body positive and anti-diet approach. I want that. I want it to fit. And I don't know what part of me wants it. And that's the part that sucks.
I'm staying curious with these feelings and I'm breathing and I'm sensing and I'm really trying to do the right thing. I want peace and I want health and I just want to be done. And right now I feel so good. It just feels good. And maybe that's ok. Maybe it's ok to let myself feel good for a second. No matter the reason. I'm officially giving myself permission. Just let this be.