Why Do I Self-Sabotage?

We all have a part of ourselves that doesn’t want us to change.

I call this part of myself my be-comfy-part, but you can call yours whatever you want. It’s also sometimes referred to as Part-X, the lower brain, or the ego.

This part of self lives in the lower primitive part of our brains and really only has one job to do. Its job is to keep us alive by making sure that we seek pleasure and avoid pain at all times. In simple terms, this means its job is to keep you comfortable by avoiding change.

In the animal kingdom, this works really well.

For us modern humans, a little not so well.

This part wants instant gratification. It wants you to feel good in every moment. It’s nice in that way! Because it believes that as long as you’re comfortable, you’re safe.

In our modern lives, this part often shows up in subtle or even manipulative ways. It’s the part of you that backs out on a plan you made. The part of you that seems to “self-sabotage.”

It’s the part of you that chooses the couch over the walk. The part that stays home and avoids your social anxiety. And the part that leaves the hardest things for last.

This part always chooses the path of least resistance. Because usually that’s the path the feels most comfortable in the here and now.

We often learn to hate this part of us. We become frustrated by it and yell at it like a disobedient child. Why are you doing this to me?! We made a plan! Why is it so hard to do what we’ve set out to do!

This part of you doesn’t understand the toxic relationship you’re in. Because its doing what it has been designed to do.

“Being comfy is the the safest option!” it says.

If you choose the couch over the walk, that feels better in the moment. If you eat the sugar instead of the vegetables, that provides more pleasure in the moment. If you stay home and avoid all the people, you won’t subject yourself to embarassment. And if you procrastinate now and leave it all for later, you won’t have to feel the pain of the work in this moment.

The voice of this part always says, “Don’t worry about later… feel good now!” Which primitively translates to, “stay safe.”

As humans, the problem with listening to this part is that it doesn’t understand that pleasure now doesn’t lead to pleasure or safety later. In fact for humans, pleasure now often leads to pain later.

If we continue to prioritze instant gratification over delayed gratification, we end up suffering under the weight of unsatisfying lives. It can lead to feeling constantly behind, constantly falling short, or constantly struggling with our health or self-care habits.

If you want to feel more satisfied in your life and follow through on your plans, you have to learn how to restore your relationship with this part of you. It requires opening a new dialogue with this part and getting to know it in a new way. In truth, it wants to be your friend. It has your best interest at heart. And it can learn to trust you.

Many of us get to a point in our lives where the be-comfy-part is in the drivers seat, controlling our moment-to-moment behavior. Stepping into a new relationship with this part means that your highest self is taking the wheel again.

Symbolically, whenever your be-comfy-part shows up you can practice saying, “I hear what you’re saying. It would be easier to leave the hardest thing for last. But that means we’re leaving the hardest part for our future self. And that doesn’t feel fair anymore. How about we try things a different way today?”

In the beginning, this will feel like hard work. You will literally feel your be-comfy-part kicking and screaming inside you. It will yell and throw its tantrum and do everything it can to make sure you do things the way you’ve always done them.

Be patient with this part. In time it will learn to trust you and eventually relax. But it’s important to allow small shifts to be enough in the beginning.

Find small ways to prove to yourself that you can do hard things, even when this part of you doesn’t want you to. Make the bed in the morning. Empty your car as soon as you get home. Take a few deep breaths. Drink a cup of water before your coffee. I call these types of small challenges my “daily discomfort.”

Notice the energy of the be-comfy-part and how it shows up trying to stop you from doing these things because they feel a little uncomfortable in the moment. It’s that “I don’t really want to…” feeling. Remember, the be-comfy-part NEVER wants you to feel even slightly uncomfortable in the moment.

The be-comfy-part can be very subtle, sometimes barely noticeable, and sometimes quite manipulative. It will pull out all kinds of tricks to keep you from change. It will make you promises. It will try to convince you that doing things differently is a bad idea. It will try and coerce you into waiting until tomorrow to start. It will try to get you to see why this moment is the exception.

Any thought or feeling that is in conflict with your highest goals, values, and plans is by default your be-comfy part showing up to keep you from change.

Remember, from a primitive or animalistic standpoint instant gratification could have meant the difference between life and death. So this part has your best interest at heart, and its influence can feel very powerful. It can show up as a thought, a feeling, an urge, a craving, or a subtle energy of resistance.

The be-comfy-part is showing up every time you’re tempted to procrastinate, delay a task, do the easiest thing first, avoid emotional discomfort, avoid physical discomfort, or back out on your plans. It’s showing up every time you feel an energy that wants to get in the way of your growth and change.

But once you see it for what it is it becomes increasingly easier to push through that energy, align with your highest values, and choose the behavior that will leave you feeling more satisfied later. No one ever regrets doing the hard thing first.

Soon this practice will begin to expand and feel more and more empowering. You are learning the art of prioritizing delayed gratification over instant gratification. And with some dedication and practice, it’s powerful enough to change your life.