Leaning in to Fear

One of the major shifts that began to occur as a result of engaging in psychedelic assisted therapies, was my relationship with fear. I didn’t fully realize how much unresolved fear I was carrying, until the medicines began to show me.

Zen Buddhism teaches us that we all come into the world with one fear and one desire.

We are born into immediate dependency on our caretakers, so the first fear is the fear of being alone. This manifests as the fear of needing other people, or the fear that we aren’t enough (or good enough) on our own. This is the first fear.

We are also born with the desire to live and survive. So we immediately begin to function in response to the world around us. Making sure we do everything we can to appease the world, appease our caretakers, and ensure that we are never alone and therefore we survive. This is the first desire.

We are all continuing to walk around with fear and desire that comes from the moment of our birth. The world is a scary place, I’m all alone, but I want to survive, so I must do everything I can to make sure others see me as worthy.

This makes sense as children, but in order to feel more fully alive as adults we have to face our fear, heal the pain, and begin to awaken to the highest and most authentic version of ourselves.

I realize now that to change our relationship with fear, we have to be willing to lean into it. We can’t continue to ignore it and push it away, because all we’re doing is ignoring that scared child within.

When fear arises, we are conditioned to turn away. We avoid, distract, and numb our discomfort because we’ve never learned that it’s perfectly safe to just stay mindfully present with feelings as they arise.

When we learn to stay present for emotional discomfort, we teach our nervous system and inner child, that we’re safe now. We’ve grown into capable adults. And there is nothing to fear in the present moment.

Through this practice we begin to learn that we don’t have to live in fear of fear. We don’t have to be afraid of suffering. We don’t have to live in a state of constant hyperviligance around protecting our children from all pain or even trauma.

Instead our focus can be on healing our collective relationship with pain and suffering. This requires a relentless willingness to explore our own pain and gently but persistently begin to turn toward it instead of away from it. Through this practice fear from the past can move through us fully and we can begin to heal and awaken to love presence in our here and now lives.

In real time? When fear is showing up, choose to pause instead of run. This is a slowing down instead of a speeding up. If you can, sit down. Or find a quiet place. Practice seating yourself in your higher awareness, or your seat as the observer of your own lived experience. This is a mindful practice of noticing your own thoughts and feelings. From here we can watch. We can be curious about what’s arising rather than judge what’s happening. We can trade any judgments for curiosity, and allow whatever is happening to just happen.

Judgment sounds like… I don’t like these thoughts. I don’t like how I’m feeling. I’m uncomfortable with what’s happening in my body. I need to fix this. I need to change this. (leads to behavior that distracts, avoids, and/or numbs our feelings i.e. avoidant behavior like watching television, distracting our mind and body with other tasks, numbing with food, alcohol, medications, etc.).

Curiosity sounds like… What’s happening for me right now? What am I noticing? What’s going on in my thoughts? What am I feeling? Where can I feel that in my body? Would it be ok to just keep noticing those thoughts, feelings, and sensations instead of doing something to take them away?

As you turn in with feelings, you can expect that the felt experience will ride a curve. The intensity of the emotion will rise as you give it your mindful attention, it will eventually peak in intensity, and then as you continue to breathe and allow it to be there it will begin to dip before moving out of your system.

Luckily, life guarantees that all feelings are temporary and tolerable. However, if things start to become more intense than you’re willing or ready to feel, it’s ok to gently ground yourself back into the present by using your five senses. Notice what you can see around you, feel the weight of your body where you’re sitting or standing, and tune in to the sounds around you. To ground out of panic, try holding an ice cube, splashing cold water on your face, or snapping a rubber band on your wrist.

These mindful somatic practices can be approached gently and gradually. You can expose yourself to the feelings that arise within you at a slow but steady pace. You don’t have to flood yourself with feelings that are too big too fast.

With each exposure to your inner world, it becomes easier to stay present because you will naturally begin to increase your comfort with discomfort. You’re also teaching your nervous system that these are feelings from the past and that nothing bad is happening to you right now. It is perfectly safe to feel old feelings while using your higher awareness to stay mindful of where you are in the present.

So we do not have to be afraid of fear. We can learn to lean into it and let it bloom within us and come to life. It will rise, and crest, and then fall, and dissipate. If we do this, and we teach others to do this, we do not have to be afraid of pain. We do not have to protect ourselves or our kids from trauma. Instead we lean into life’s uncertainties, live fully, embrace life for what it is, and trust that when painful things happen, we have the tools and resources to lean in and ride the waves of that fear and pain. Mindfully, we align with our highest selves. And we remember that we are safe in the present moment.

I am personally still engaged in this work in my own life, so I know it’s not easy. Please reach out for support and lean on your community as needed. Every time you work to heal something within yourself, you’re contributing to a collective healing. So know you’re not alone, but rather one wave in the ocean of this universe. Sending peace your way.