Curiosity & Self-Compassion
If you haven’t been following along, this post is about “Curiosity and Compassion”, or Pillar 1 of my Food & Body Therapy Mini Series. If you would like to get caught up please start by reading the introduction.
We are all so damn hard on ourselves. And for good reason… From the minute we’re born there are parts of our brain being programmed to function and sound like the adults around us. If you tune in to the voice of your inner critic you might be surprised to notice that it sounds a lot like an angry parent, a disgruntled friend, a harsh athletic coach, or a strict teacher.
As kids we grow up in a world with an exhausting number of rules and guidelines. We’re told what to do and what not to do. What to say and what not to say. How to behave and how not to behave. We’re often instructed to resist our natural instincts, like finishing our plate, eating when we’re not hungry, or sleeping when we’re not sleepy. We’re told not to cry, where to sit, when to be visible, and when to make ourselves invisible. And we quickly learn that in order to feel safe in the world, we have to stay painfully aware of how our words, actions, and very presence might be affecting other people in every moment.
We also learn from social and cultural norms. We learn to be polite. To smile at strangers. To say please and thank you. We learn that when someone asks how we’re doing we’re supposed to say, “I am fine, how are you?” We learn that it’s good to be funny and outgoing, and that it’s bad to be quiet and shy. We learn that the world favors individuals with certain personality types and certain physical characteristics. We learn that it’s important to be beautiful, and that in order to be beautiful we have to be thin.
And as we navigate this scary world full of rules and guidelines, we soon develop an inner “voice.”
You know that voice in your head? The voice of your thoughts? I know it sounds a lot like you, but it’s really the voice of the world.
It’s the voice of your parents, peers, teachers, coaches, media, and societal and cultural norms. It’s the voice of your conditioning. It tells you what to say, what to do, and how to behave in every moment. It encourages you to be funnier or more outgoing, and it shames you when you say something dull or embarrassing. And when it comes to food and body challenges, that voice of the inner critic can take on a harshness that leaves us stumbling under the weight of our shame.
The problem with being over-identified with the voice of our inner critic, is that it is grossly unhelpful to listen to what it says. It’s not motivational or inspiring to be put down all the time. Intuitively, we know this. We uplift the children in our lives and we seek to inspire our friends and family. We know that it is through trust, and kindness, and compassion that we can be most supportive and encouraging. We know this. But when it comes to how we relate to the voice of our own inner critic?
We have forgotten what we know.
Why do we listen to this voice? This voice that doesn’t seek to inspire, but seeks to tear us down? Why don’t we ever stop to question why the voice is so mean? Why it’s so harsh? And what about the fact that it often gives is terribly unhelpful advice?
In this work, I humbly believe that the single most important aspect of the journey is learning to separate from the voice in your head. Learning to notice the voice, instead of believe the voice. Learning to be aware of the voice instead of listening and responding to the voice. Once you know that the voice of your inner critic is in fact NOT YOU, it becomes easier to question its motivations. It becomes easier to see it as an annoying inner roommate that has absolutely no power or control over how you choose to react and respond to things in your life.
So…
Step 1 - Begin cultivating curiosity. When you notice the guilt and shame spiral from the voice of your inner critic, “I can’t believe I ate that… I’m so fat and disgusting… I have no willpower… I’m such a failure… I hate myself…” Work on trading it for curiosity.
Curiosity sounds a lot like this: “That’s interesting that I just ate that… I’m noticing thoughts about feeling fat and disgusting… I’m noticing that willpower has never worked or helped me… It’s interesting that the voice in my head thinks I hate myself… I’m noticing I just binged for the first time in weeks… Can I be curious about that? What happened? What was different about today?”
Step 2 - Begin cultivating self-compassion. When you notice the guilt and shame spiral, first try to be curious about your thoughts and feelings. Then introduce some gentle compassion.
Self-compassion sounds like this: “It’s ok that I just had a binge. I’m ok. I’ve done this before. It will probably happen again. I’m learning. I am perfectly imperfect. I’m still breathing.”
Don’t worry about loving everything about yourself. It’s actually ok that you don’t… Instead start playing around with what it feels like to just be curious, and then compassionate.
So in summary, be curious. And be kind.
And with that we move on to Pillar 2.