Why We Should All Call Truce With Our Compulsions
If you’ve ever struggled with compulsive behaviors, you know how utterly defeated they can make you feel. Most of us struggle with one compulsion or another, whether it’s compulsive eating, drinking, shopping, sex, gambling, working, drug use, or anything else that makes us feel blissfully calm for a moment and profoundly terrible the next.
Compulsive behaviors have a funny way of being unbearably seductive and brutally self-defeating all at the same time.
They give some, and they take a lot.
Many a time, I have found myself in the throws of compulsive binge eating, compulsive cleaning, compulsive arguing, and compulsive book buying… just to name a few. I know what it’s like to feel tormented by a behavior that you yourself would like to change, but that you yourself keep choosing to engage in.
It is in the aftermath of compulsive behavior that we are often met with a twisted kind of dark hopelessness that leaves us washed in a tidal wave of guilt, shame, and defeat.
This loveliness is also often accompanied by an endless barrage of toxic negative self talk.
We take drastic measures in these moments and we make all kinds of empty promises to ourselves around how we will never, ever, never… let this happen again.
So why do we do this? What exactly are compulsions? And why do so many of us find ourselves trapped in the back and forth of this rigidity and utter chaos for months, years, or even decades?
First off, we live in a world that moves too fast, and pushes too hard, and takes too much.
We’re all racing the clocks, and working hard, and grinding to make things happen in our lives, all the while hoping that if we could just have a bit more of this or a bit less of that, then we would finally find the peace and sense of ok-ness that we’re yearning for.
It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s seemingly endless.
And in the midst of all this pushing and grinding and suffering we are living with brains and bodies that are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.
(For a more complete look at this you can read my previous post).
According to the primal coding of the animalistic programs of your body, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is a matter of life and death…
Pleasure = Safe. Pain = Not Safe.
So when we’re living under this day-in, day-out, constant low level stress for years upon decades of our lives, our brain and body starts screaming at us for PLEASURE.
For something… anything… that feels GOOD.
And our primal brain and primal bodies don’t understand how delayed gratification could ever be a good thing.
Suffer in this moment for long term gratification? No thanks. Fight this unbearable craving and the pleasure food will give you so that you’ll feel healthier later? Uh uh. Hold off on the pleasure of clicking “buy now” in the hopes that financial security will feel awesome down the road? Absolutely not.
All our lower brain understands is that if there’s something available to you in this moment that will invite pleasure and relaxation into your system, then it MUST be a good thing.
And you should do it, or find it, or have it NOW.
And more often than not… we do.
And it feels good for a moment. It shuts down our rampant thinking, it forces a relaxation response, and it gives us a nice healthy dose of pleasure inducing dopamine. And all is well while our brain is numb and distracted and blitzed.
And then… We come to.
And we’re utterly infuriated that we keep letting ourselves fall into these patterns again, and again, and again.
So we throw the food away. We spray it with cleaning products. We post self-defeating notes of criticism on our mirrors or pantry doors. We prepare a new meal plan, and develop a new workout regimen, and we write up a contract and vow to NEVER BINGE AGAIN.
And then we live rigidly for awhile. Packing our lunch the night before. Prepping our meals. Freezing our shakes. And we feel good and proud and accomplished. We feel PLEASURE.
Until we don’t.
Until once again, the rigidity is causing us PAIN.
Maybe we have a bad day. Maybe we come home upset or in the throws of some serious stress and emotional overwhelm. And our brain and bodies are screaming at us to EAT.
We’re hungry. And we’re tired. And none of it feels worth it anymore.
The cravings feel monstrous. Like an inner dragon has awakened. A dragon with a mind of its own, whom we have virtually no control over (the power of primal survival drives).
And in that moment the urges feel so all-consuming that we no longer care about the promises we made to ourselves.
So we open the doors to food, and we eat, and we eat, and we eat.
And for a moment, there’s a release. A deep sense of peace. Profound satisfaction. Our nervous system relaxes and our system is flooded with PLEASURE.
And then we come out of it. And we’re faced with the heaviness of that same guilt, and shame, and self-loathing.
And the cycle begins again.
I define compulsions as :
Behaviors that make painful or difficult moments more tolerable, but do nothing to solve the problem, situation, or circumstance.
We cover pain with food and it makes the moment more tolerable by taking away the craving, but we are left with the same pain once the food is gone.
We go on a shopping spree to make a stressful day more tolerable, but we are still left with a growing credit card bill.
We engage in compulsive casual sex and it makes our loneliness more tolerable, but our loneliness is waiting to greet us when we return home.
So what is my radical suggestion for breaking compulsive cycles for good?
Start to make friends with your compulsive behaviors. Better yet, start to make friends with your compulsive “parts” of self.
You see, the compulsive urges that drive you to engage in these behaviors want you to feel GOOD. They don’t want you to be in pain.
Your compulsive parts want what’s best for you. But they’re not super sophisticated. As I’ve mentioned previously, parts are like annoying inner roommates who mean well, but often give you really bad advice.
The good news is that compulsive parts of self can be trained. We can talk to them once we’re aligned with higher self. Our higher self is the part of us that knows what’s best for us in the long run. It’s the the wisest, most authentic, and most intuitive part of you.
Your higher self is the real you. Your true identity. The part that knows what you really want or what you really need.
Example conversation between “part” (lower brain) and “self” (higher brain):
Compulsive Part: “I want to binge right now. It will make me feel better. This sucks. I just want to eat something. Letting myself binge will make all of this go away.”
Higher Self: “You can always eat. Eating is never off limits. You can eat when you’re hungry. You can eat when you want food. You can eat whatever you want. But Mr. or Mrs. Compulsive Part: We don’t actually HAVE to eat in this moment to feel better. I’m noticing that I’m not hungry, but that I’m just feeling really overwhelmed in this moment. I know I can eat if I really want to. But, it might actually be more helpful to pause for a second and spend some time with this feeling. I’m allowed to feel things. So we’re just going to take a moment to be curious about how I’m feeling, and whether having a binge is what I really want in this moment.”
As higher self gets to know compulsive parts, those parts begin to settle down. They see who’s running the show and who’s really in control, and they feel better about staying quiet once they believe that “self” is looking out for them and will make sure they’re safe, nurtured, and cared for.
The best advice I can give you is to call truce with your compulsive parts. The parts of you that drive you to engage in these behaviors really do mean well. They just want to comfort you. They want you to feel good, and experience pleasure, and find a way to relax. So try to make friends with your compulsive parts. Seek to understand them and comfort them when they’re feeling afraid.
And it is from this place that “self” steps back into the driver’s seat of your life and you will start to see real and lasting change.
Be patient with this process. If parts continue to drive your behavior for awhile, that’s ok. Seek to find comfort in the fact that when you’re compulsive, you’re caring for yourself the best way you know how. Work towards cultivating some self-compassion while you begin the process of behavior change, growth, and personal transformation.
A few more tips for working with compulsive behaviors…
Give yourself permission to engage in these behaviors. Trade any guilt or shame for curiosity and self-compassion.
Ask yourself… What would this moment have felt like without my compulsive behavior? What would my life feel like without this behavior? How would I be managing stress and uncomfortable feelings or emotions?
Work on first spending time in reflection after you’re compulsive. “What just happened? How was I feeling before this happened?” Then work towards staying more conscious and aware during an act of compulsion. “I’m noticing that I’m in the middle of a binge right now.
I’m noticing that it would feel impossibly hard to stop.” Eventually work on pausing to reflect before you engage in compulsive behavior. “I’m noticing my compulsive part is present right now. She really wants to binge. What brought me to this moment? How was my day? How am I feeling right now? Is there anything I’m trying to avoid?” This doesn’t mean you can’t still engage in the behavior. The time spent in reflection from a place of conscious curiosity are what’s most important.Remind yourself that being compulsive isn’t a bad thing. It’s ultimately a form of self-care that may or may not have negative repercussions down the road. Any time we are being compulsive we’re caring for ourselves the best way we know how. We are seeking pleasure to avoid pain.
Remind yourself that being compulsive does not make you a bad person. It’s not a weakness. It has nothing to do with strength, or will-power, or your value as a person.
Manage your stress throughout the day. Be curious about where pleasure is lacking in your life. Seek to boost relaxation, self-care practices, and things that bring you joy.
Last Note: If you’re struggling with compulsive binge eating specifically, please be ever mindful of the fact emotions are not the primary driver of this behavior. Dieting and restriction are the primary cause of binge eating. If that’s not addressed, working on your emotional health will often not be enough to help you find the peace you’re looking for.
In peace and good health,
Stephanie Michelle
Stephanie Michelle Scott is a Registered Dietitian and Psychotherapist based in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She utilizes unique holistic approaches to help people end cycles of disordered eating and chronic dieting and develop healthier relationships with food, body and self. You can contact her team with questions or to request more information on counseling services by clicking here.