Breaking Through

For many years I documented my own personal journey with disordered eating and body-image challenges. In no particular order, these entries offer a glimpse into my story, pulled right from my personal journals and diaries. These posts are not screened for potentially triggering language and are retyped as they were originally written. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder please read at your own discretion, and reach out for support when you need it.

It feels like something is changing. Like there's been a shift from somewhere deep inside me, despite not knowing how or where it's coming from.

I'm eating fast food right now. For lunch. And it's just... not doing it. The exhilaration. The numbing. The drug-like pleasure trance. It's not here.

I started eating fast. Habitually. Needing the release. It didn't come. And some food went back into the bag. I'm finished with it. It's not what I need... It's not what I want.

I'm actually finding myself daydreaming about my stationary bike. While I eat this... I'm in a pleasure trance about eating a healthy dinner. A nourishing dinner. And spinning like a crazy person on my bike. I want that release right now.

Is this it? Is this the real me breaking through? Things have been so much better the past few months despite things in my personal life going to shit. And despite it throwing me into an emotional whirlwind of chaos that leaves me feeling unrecognizable to myself, I'm somehow doing... better.

There's a deep knowing in there. I can feel it sometimes. This inner eye that see's the truth. That see's my entire reality. That has its eye on wisdom.

The truth that lives inside me includes a deep wanting for authentic self-care. When I stopped pushing myself to "have to" I really started "wanting to."

It's silly that I've been studying this for so long, and when I finally applied it to myself, it worked. Go figure.

What's even more exciting is that I don't have that nagging doubt that used to live inside me. That voice of doubt that was louder than the inner nurturer. Right now the nurturer, the "knower," is louder. She's waking up.

Despite feeling more chaotic than I've felt my whole life, I'm also feeling more at peace. I'm feeling more connected despite feeling wholly disconnected. I'm lost and found all at the same time. I'm sinking down while rising to the surface. I'm in the eye of the storm, while simultaneously soaking up sunbeams in the delicate surf.

I'm painfully confused. But I'm ok.

I don't know. But somewhere, I know.