Binge. Then Again.

For many years I documented my own personal journey with disordered eating and body-image challenges. In no particular order, these entries offer a glimpse into my story, pulled right from my personal journals and diaries. These posts are not screened for potentially triggering language and are retyped as they were originally written. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder please read at your own discretion, and reach out for support when you need it.

I've been stuck in the back and forth for too many years. When exactly did this start? I binge and then I start again. Binge again. Start again. I've been stuck in this cycle for as long as I can remember. Creating plan after plan after plan after plan. Binge again. Plan again.

Every morning I wake up feeling better. Sick and sore. But emotionally, better. Things feel easy again in the light of day. Sort of like a fresh start. With some lingering sorrow and regret. The afternoons often start to feel a little more challenging. And then the late afternoons and evenings... I lose myself. The beast beckons. I listen. It roars. I cower. I respond to its every need. The demon inside me.

I understand now that the beast is my lower brain. Lizard brain. Computer brain. Stupid brain. I understand the science. I get that it's not me. I rationally, cognitively, intellectually, cerebrally GET IT. Notice my thoughts. Let them flow through me like weather. Separate from them. Align with higher self.

And yet, it all continues. Like a storm with no end. I'm learning from this. I know I'm learning. But the pain, and the fear, and the frustration, and the hopelessness. It's unbearable at times. I'm learning to separate. Living more mindfully. Finding room for compassion. But it's not really the eating. It's life. I'm chronically and hopelessly confused. My mind wants so desperately to understand.